


There's A First Time For Everything

by Publia (TalkIsOverrated), TalkIsOverrated



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, NSFW, Pain, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:41:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25832938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalkIsOverrated/pseuds/Publia, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalkIsOverrated/pseuds/TalkIsOverrated
Summary: John realizes that he can't hide his feelings for Alexander anymore, and decides to work up his courage and confess in the middle of the night.  It doesn't go as planned.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	1. -1-

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy oh boy some of you may recognize this fic as I deleted it back in freaking 2017. However, I recently found it in an email from AO3 and have decided to resurrect its horrid corpse. Enjoy.

I can't say I know exactly when it started.

Maybe it was when we first fought together under the General? Or, perhaps, even when I first laid my eyes on him. It was in immediate infatuation, nothing more than that. No more than mere admiration. I looked up to him. A man, with nothing but the clothes on his back, was able to start something incredible just by his words alone.  
How could I not notice him, for everything he was worth? He had these narrow eyes like a kestrel, ready to pounce on any and all opportunities to move forward. He was tough, resilient, and everybody knew it.  
Though, only a few knew how gentle he could be, too. Oh, how he would talk to me and his comrades. When he wasn't speaking publicly as the General's assistant, his melodic voice was quieter, softer, and filled with passion. The words he spoke were beautiful, just like the man himself. Alexander Hamilton was a man of contradictions, a man of unmatched wit, and a man of extraordinary feats.

It pained me so much to be around him.

The infatuation grew into something more, something.. deeper, as we got closer. I should have backed away. I should have kept my distance. But something about him drew me in, and before I knew it, I was under his spell.

I'd fallen in love.

It was wrong, and every fibre of my being screamed at me to run before it got worse. This was a curse worse than death. If we became anything more than friends, I'd be tossed onto the streets and disowned. Worst of all, Alexander might suffer the same fate. I couldn't bear to do that to him. Even if a long life is not promised for a soldier like me, I had decided never to act on my feelings. 

But, _Lord_ , do I want to. Everything about him screams charisma. Just looking at him causes stars to explode behind my eyes, imagining what we could do if that man were mine. If he could be mine. 

More importantly, if he even _wanted_ to be mine. 

I've kept this in for so long, it's a miracle that I've been able to handle it so well. The decision to never confess was made years ago. How much longer will I have to keep quiet? How much longer must I suppress the pain of my aching soul? I love him. I yearn for more than this friendship we've always had. I want to do more than just stand behind him. I want to stand next to him, and support him as his equal. As a man whom he loves as well. I've loved women all my life, but I have no doubts that I've now fallen for him, too. My greatest fear is that I will die on that battlefield without ever doing more for him. I want to tell him. As a soldier, I don't know when I am going to die. It could be at any given moment. So, what is the risk of telling him, anyway? If he rejects me like I expect he will, I will only embrace death with wider arms.

Rejection is better than living in my silent hell. 

* * *

It is a few minutes past midnight when I reach his room. Being the General's right-hand man, his room was all the larger and more exquisite. I knocked on the heavy wooden door just once; my hands shaking too much to do more. Desperation muddled with anxiety pounds against my chest. I know I can turn back. But, I don't.

Taking a slow, deep breath, I knocked again. I stand there, furiously pondering if I've made the right choice, when the door finally opens.

"Laurens..?" Alexander's voice jolts me out of my reverie, and I gulp and look up at his taller figure. His usually neat, pulled-back locks are resting freely on his broad shoulders. His eyes are bleary and misty, and even his nightclothes are wrinkled as well. But, _dear lord_ , his _voice_. It was low and husky from just waking up. God, what I wouldn't do to hear that voice every day when I wake up in the morning. I lightly shook my head as a faint blush spread across my face. He was even more attractive in less formal clothes. In fact, he looked incredible. More human than godlike. I couldn't help but wonder if I was the only person to ever see him so disoriented and cute.

I tried to regain my composure. "G-Good evening, Alexander.." I stuttered out, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. The younger male blinked in confusion. "Good evening? Laurens, it's past midnight. We have work tomorrow. What exactly are you doing up?" He inquired, leaning against the doorway.

Swallowing, I think of my reason for coming here. No turning back, John. You've already come this far, haven't you?

"I..I wanted to tell you something. It's important to me." At this point, I couldn't bear to look at him anymore. I stared down and allowed the rising heat in my cheeks to consume me. I paused there for a moment. He stayed patient, watching me intently. This was it. After my next words, our friendship will be over, whether he rejects me or not. Everything was about to change. I almost wanted to cry. Suddenly, I felt a warm palm against my forehead and nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Holy-- Laurens, do you need to sit down?" Alex questioned, gently grabbing my shoulder. "Come inside. You're hyperventilating." Before I had a chance to protest, I was dragged into his bedroom. I jumped at the sound of him shutting the door and sliding the bolt into place; sealing both the room and my fate. Now, there was nowhere to run. If I had any doubts about what I was going to do, it didn't matter now.

I'm trapped.

He made me lay down on his bed as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I couldn't help but bury my head into the pillow. It smelled exotic, just like him. It distracted me from my tension a little bit.

I heard him sigh before he sat down at the bedside. "John.." he started, clasping his hands in front of him.

"..is something bothering you?"

I took a deep look at him, seeing all the concern so evident in his eyes. Gods, he's as open as the books he loves to read so much. Swallowing my pride, I began to speak. It was the truth, but not the whole truth. "Alexander... I am going to die on the battlefield soon. I'm a soldier, so there is no avoiding the inev-"

"Don't say that, John! What is wrong with you?" His words cut straight through mine. He sounded so frantic, as if I were actually dying right there in front of him.

"No, please, it's true. I'm not afraid of death. But, I do admit, I have one fear that I can't get rid of. It's a fear that, if I die, I'll regret it for the rest of my existence." I kept my voice low and calm, sitting up in order to see him better.

Alexander tentatively placed a hand on my chin and tilted my head upwards, his dark eyes pooling with worry and curiosity. "And what is that..?" He spoke so softly, that if it weren't for our close proximity, I would have heard nothing more than the faintest whisper. I couldn't look away from his inquisitive eyes. They were too breathtaking. We stayed there for a couple moments too long, and I wished I could say something. The only sound in the room was my rushing heartbeat. I prayed that he couldn't hear it. His fingers felt like hot coals on my already-burning skin. He was so close. He was _too_ close.

"I.. I am afraid that when I die, I would never have gotten a chance to experience life the way I should've. I don't have freedom yet, and I'm afraid I never will. I.. want to be with the one I love. But I will never be able to if I die so soon on the battlefield." I paused there, searching for a reaction, feeling a pang in my chest when I found none. I was about to turn out of his grasp when I heard him speak once more.

"Then, pursue her now, so you can die a contented man."

In that moment, it felt like my heart was torn in two. "I-I can't. I can't, Alexander," I gently moved his hand away and looked down, averting my eyes. I gripped my unruly locks in frustration at the whole irony of it. "I want to pursue my love!" I went on, feeling the confusion emanating from him. "You do not understand. I love this person so much, Alexander. If only you knew how much I.." I trailed off, furiously blinking away tears that threatened to fall. "..just, if only you knew how much I loved this person. But, I can never tell them how I feel. I will die, and this person will never know, and I'm... I'm afraid of living that way."

The room was silent as he simply stared back at me. Anxiousness crept up my back. "Alexander Hamilton," I muttered, "please say something. Talk to me."

"Is she married?" _She._

I shook my head. He nodded, slowly moving his hand away from my face.

"John, are you in love with a man, by any chance?"

It was so simple. Just like that, he was able to know. Fuck, it was so obvious! How could he not have figured it out? Even a simpleton would be able to read me as easily as he had.

I stared up at him with wide, trembling eyes. Tears spilled like waterfalls down my face. My body wracked with my sobs, so much that I began to feel weak and sick to my stomach. "J-John, don't cry, I had no idea that you were-"

"That I am _what_ , Alexander?" I cried out, "a disgusting faggot? And that I cry like a bitch? Go on!" I spat, trying to twist away and leave, just crawl into myself, anything. "Tell me that I'm a soldier, and I should learn to act like one! Tell me to _leave_ , that just by being here, your entire room is now _ruined!_ "

"John.."

"It's not like it's never happened before.." 

_"John."_ I face him once again, expecting anything but what happened next. He reached out, wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace. "It's okay," Alexander whispered. "Let it out. I understand why you were so flustered at the door. Why you were so afraid, and why you can't tell anybody. I understand it now. So, talk to me. Haven't you been holding this for long enough?" 

Though I was more uneasy than ever, I couldn't help the burst of warmth that ran through my core. "..D-Doesn't this bother you? Doesn't any of this bother you? I'm not _normal,_ Alex. It's an unimaginable relief to finally say it out loud to someone who I trust, but.." I swallowed and tightened my grip, "why aren't you judging me?"

  
He smiles at me. I don't smile back. I search his eyes, waiting for a response. Finally, I hear his voice once again. "We've been through too much for me to throw you aside for your sexuality. When I came here, I had nothing. Nothing and nobody. If it hadn't been for you, Hercules, and Lafayette," his smile widened even further, "I doubt I'd be in such an elaborate room like this. What I am trying to say, Laurens, is that you've been with me since I was a shy boy who could barely talk without a plume. I will not throw you away just for something small like this. After all, you were so shy coming to tell me. How cruel could I be to let you down?" 

I stared at him, speechless. It felt like a gate had been opened to a new world I could explore. Alexander accepted me, God, he _accepted_ me. When an anthology of friends refused to, he's the one who finally decided that I was okay. That I really was normal.

A blinding confidence that I had never felt before now surged through me. Returning his handsome smile, I move my hands on top of his. "Alexander." I can feel my heartbeat rise like an enthusiastic kettle. This time, I am not afraid of him hearing it. "That is not all I came here to tell you."

  
His inquisitive eyes are back. "Tell me." That simper never leaves his face. A dull blush spreads over mine.

My eyes flutter closed. I replay every moment where I knew I was falling for him. "The person.. the _man,_ that I love could never feel the same way. I see the way he looks at women; he looks at them the same way I look at him. Still, my heart aches for him.." My smile widens with my growing confidence. I squeeze his hands, and hear him gasp under his breath. 

"No.." I hear him whisper. I think he's realized it now.

"That's why," I open my eyes and gaze into his wide, shocked ones. "I decided that tonight would be the night that I knock on his door and tell him I love him."

He sucks in a breath, and stands up quickly, wrenching away from my grasp.

My hands now feel cold and empty; the bed has lost its warmth without him. I look up, only to find him with eyes filled with dull pity.

"Laurens, I believe it is time for you to leave."


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john becomes haru and alexander becomes legosi in episode two of beastars (forgive me daddy for i have sinned)

He stares at me in obvious disbelief. "What..?"

I gesture towards the door. I can barely see my hands under the dimming lights. The candles have almost all burned out. 

"John, be realistic. You don't love me, alright? The alcohol you love is just messing with your head. I'll grab one more candle for you to go back to your room, please give me a moment." I race to my desk to grab a lantern, but a sharp hand on my wrist stops me. "Wait.. wait, Alexander! I love you! I do!"

I pity for my best friend. Maybe if he were a woman, things might've been different. He is handsome and brave, but I just cannot love a man. I can't change the way I am. "Let go of me, John. Now." I warn. I feel his fingers tighten their hold in response. 

"Listen to me. I've always, _always_ loved you.." His widened, desperate eyes sear straight into my core. His hands begin to shake, and I stay silent for him. "You don't know just how difficult it is to keep quiet when you love somebody. Especially when it's you." John bites his lip, refusing to let his obvious tears fall. "I wouldn't dare to think about holding a candle to your light," he's smiling at me, admiring me, even when his heart is breaking. 

I can't stop staring.

"You have done so much with so little, and you're not even finished yet! ...I can barely stand next to you, Alexander. You are everything I want and wish to be. You're talented..."

His hand slides up to rest on my elbow. Immediately, I tense up.

"and charming.."

It now comes to rest on my shoulder. He squeezes my sleeve for a split moment, and his hand feels helpless.

"..and so very _beautiful.."_

The brunet's palm gently touches my cheek, and my breath hitches. I just don't have the heart to shove him away, even though I'm uncomfortable. I close my eyes, but I still hear the sad smile in his voice. "To have you accept me is the greatest thing to ever happen.. even if you don't feel the same way." His smaller frame has begun to shake, but I don't know why. Frustration, perhaps. "A-Alexander, it doesn't matter if you don't love me back. All that matters is you now know, and you accept me.." His warm hand reluctantly leaves my shoulder, and for a second, I miss it there. "Even if I die tomorrow, I'll be okay. I'll be okay."

He pauses to wipe away his tears. "I should leave now. I've said and done all that I've needed to." Shakily, he reaches over and pulls me into a gentle, weak embrace. I don't know what to do, so I just stand there. I've never been such at a loss for words before. "Goodnight, Alexander. I'll see you in the morning."

John looks up just as he's beginning to pull away, and his smile fades into another expression; one I've never seen before. I look closer and see an unrecognizable glint in his ocean eyes.

For a moment, the time has slowed down to a stop. With the ever-dimming lights, all I can see is him. He's moving faster than I can react. A warm palm finds its place in the crook of my neck, his thumb gently stroking the soft skin. The world spins as he pulls me downwards, my gaze never breaking his own. 

The next thing I know, his lips are on mine and everything stands still again. 

None of the kisses I have shared over the years have been intense or meaningful. They were exciting, yes, and lustful, also yes, but never so _powerful._ Once the kiss was over, it was over, and I would move on. As a result, romance had never been very prominent in my life. I had never found myself needing intimacy. 

But, _this..._

I resist his kiss at first. But his lips are just so soft, so sweet and shy, and his hands are just so warm. His tongue prods at my reclusive lips, gently prying them open, and I allow them in. Instantly, the kiss becomes more feverish, both of us trying to taste as much as we can of the other. Lost in his touch, I throw my arms around him and let myself fall apart.

When he finally pulls away for air, I'm left wanting-- _craving_ \--more.

I turn around to light another lantern. Once the candle flickers to life, I'm able to see him fully.

My breath hitches at the sight of him. 

John's shirt is wrinkled from constantly being pressed up against my own, and his chest rises and falls with his heavy breathing. His hands are at his sides, twitching at the need to grasp onto someone again. But, dear Lord, his _face._ His sun-kissed skin is flushed and his eyes are wide and filled with a certain wantonness that sent rivers of blood rushing fast through me. It only now dawns on me just how beautiful he is.

Without taking my eyes off my once-shy friend, I place the lantern on the table next to me and take a step backward. "John," my voice comes out as a breathy moan, "I-I don't.. that was.."

"Yes.." He nods, just as breathless as me. "I've never felt anything like it." 

We stay just like that, neither of us finding enough confidence to break the silence. Finally, after a few lasting moments I mutter, "How... how are we supposed to move past this?"

John keeps his gaze on the floor. "Well... I'll go back to my room, we both fall asleep, and we forget this ever happened in the morning." His body shakes as he takes a step forward, now allowing me to see his face. "...unless, of course, you'd like to continue." I sharply lift my head in surprise at his bold words, only to see blackened pools of lust where his eyes should be. 

"What...?" He keeps walking towards me, each step making my heart beat faster; from nervousness or excitement, I don't know yet. 

"J-John, wait.." I can't stop the trembles in my voice. Before I realize it, he's so close that I can count the freckles on his cheeks. Those affectionate hands reach out to grab either side of my face. His body presses against mine. He's backed me up against the wall. 

Closing my eyes, I wait for him to kiss me. I _hope_ for him to kiss me, actually. The electricity that his touch gave me before has subsided--and I want it back. 

But he just _stays there,_ never moving; a lover frozen in time. I look into his eyes, and I see the wonder, I see the nervousness, and I see all of his heart. All of a sudden, it dawns on me. 

He wants _me_ to kiss _him._

John is waiting for me to allow him in, waiting for me to love him like he loves me. I don't love him, and I don't want to love him solely because he loves me as well. Deep in our crazed minds, we know this. That's why he wants me to take the first step, to learn to love him on my own, all by myself. That when we're together, it's not for the sake of pity.

Unfortunately, I'm not focusing on love right now.

Shutting my eyes, I lean in and meet his waiting lips. 

He mewls in response, and I can feel the anxiety melt from his body. Not wasting another moment, I place my hands on his narrow hips and he moves his deft fingers onto my chest, almost ripping the buttons of my shirt open. Once they're all undone, he slides the fabric off my shoulders and throws it into a corner. He immediately breaks the kiss afterward, instead latching his lips onto my now exposed neck and placing hard kisses on my skin. I inadvertently gasp at the new sensation, and he feels around the rest of my body in response, his nails occasionally scratching my body and making me jump in surprise. I've never felt so submissive before--but doing this with John allows me to melt away into a state where I never thought I'd find myself.

His lips travel further downward, placing bruising kisses everywhere they can reach. He's everywhere; moving so fast I can barely breathe. By the time he reaches the hem of my pants, I'm a shaking, groaning mess. 

Painfully slowly, his fingers curl around the front of my pants, moments away from yanking them down. But he waits, giving me a moment to stare at the sight of him on his knees. "Alexander.." he breathes, brushing his hair out of his face. "You're so flushed... are you really enjoying being with a man that much?" 

If I was flushed before, I can't imagine what I look like now after that comment. Embarrassed, I turn away without giving him an answer.

"Well, if you're not liking this.." A Cheshire-Cat grin graces his features as his long fingers slowly slide away. "...I might as well stop." 

"Wait!" I exclaim, louder than I anticipated. His smile only widens. "I-I mean..." I'm cut off by him silently beginning to palm the tent of my pants, coaxing a whimper out of me. God, what are these noises I'm making?

"...You can continue," I finally manage to say, clearing my throat. 

"Composure's back, huh?" John sighs, a disappointed edge to his voice. "I wanna see how long that will last..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry kiddos, you gotta wait one more chapter for the good stuff.


End file.
